Brand and Ross – The cure for your recession blues

So two comedy muppets make some silly phone calls and the whole world loses its senses.

Or so it would seem to the untrained eye. But look past what’s going on here and you’ll see that this is actually a very clever tactic to stop the general public from committing mass suicide over the impending economic doom. All we need is some weekly celebrity outrage for everyone to take their mind off the fact that their house is now worth tuppence and before you know it, two years will have passed and it will be economic boom-time once more. Huzzah.

Here’s some of my suggestions for potential outrages that we can all get stupidly, overblownly upset about over the next few weeks:

Richard Madeley farts live on air into the face of a child with a poorly hand.

Sir Trevor MacDonald wops his cock out on News at Ten, banging it on the desk in time with the gongs.

Whilst on Countryfile, John Craven pats a sheep on the arse before turning to the camera and winking.

BBC’s Children in Need falls into disrepair when a human alphabet accidentially spells the words, “Get off your fat backsides and do something constructive you lazy bunch of worthless cunts” instead of the intended “We love you Pudsey” 

Simon Cowell stands up whilst one of the acts on X-Factor does another fucking godawful cover of something fucking godawful, turns to the camera mouthing the words “I’m so so sorry” and then machine guns Louis Walsh, Dannii Minogue and that one from Girls Aloud before turning the gun on himself, blasting his head across the crowd as his neck explodes in a firework of spurting bloodguts. 

Feel free to add your own atrocities below.